Levels of Friendship
Strangers—Inside Friends—Outside Friends
Them: How are you?
Me: Good, how are you?
I know.
The worst small talk ever!
Why is this Q so hard to answer?
Often this question is speaking to our mind rather than how we feel. If you are like me, overthinking causes me to be disconnected from my feelings. I spend more time observing, processing, and interpreting than actually in body feeling. Leaving a huge chasm between my thinking brain and an embodied emotion.
So I expressed this struggle to a friend, who sets up these connection workshops. And they took me through this exercise, where we go back-and-forth asking each other, how do you feel? In order to get through all the thoughts to get to the feeling. My god there were a lot of thoughts. But I finally arrived at a feeling.
There is comfort in being asked by someone who actually wants to listen to the full answer. To share how we are actually feeling. It’s like an invitation to an inner world. Yet how do we know whether or not their question is looking for a real answer?
I flew back to Bangalore for an Indian wedding party.
Getting off the plane, I was confronted with heavy, chaotic, shoving energy. Ya know the vibe that requires a heavy door and bouncer. As a solo traveler and a girl, boundaries have been necessary for survival.
But coming back from a retreat to India is a turbulent way of integrating with reality. My heart is fully open. My boundary wall’s have come down to about ankle level. Still firmly rooted but clearly exposed. Vulnerable but not fragile. Open hearts can be delicious prey in wounded spaces. Everyone wants soulfood and love as sustenance to survive.
As much as I don’t love large public functions, I love supporting friends more. So I arrived in Indian casual, heavy dome earrings with flowy pants. Felt underdressed and out of my element in so many ways. Not because of the cultural differences but socializing with an open heart and no cocktail in hand. Oof recipe for an uncomfortable night.
In this wholesome environment, I’m selectively close with a handful of people. But there are still unknown flavors of humanity that made me short circuit. Can I share how I actually feel? Can I be vulnerable with this person?
Levels of Friends
Intimacy needs levels, not walls. Not everyone earns a backstage pass. But that doesn’t mean connection can’t exist. It just has to be right. Intimacy works best when you know what kind of relationship you’re actually in. Not every connection is built to hold the same weight and that’s not a bad thing. It’s about knowing who gets what level of access. Because if you’re sharing the real stuff with someone who hasn’t earned that trust, you’re not being vulnerable. Learned from experience, it’s unsafe!
Friendships Have Levels:
You
This is your world, we’re just living in it.Inside Friends like Close Friends. Clear Round Table of Confidants.
Those you invite to your house.Outside Friends like Work Friends. Party Friends. Hobby Friends.
You hang with them out of the house.Strangers TBD
Yet to be determined.
Inside Friends — your real ones
These are the people you can text “I’m not okay” and call without needing context. They’ve earned the right to see behind the scenes. They get the unfiltered updates. Not just the wins, but the breakdowns in between.
You trust them because they’ve proven they can hold space. They’ve been consistent. they’ve handled your honesty with care. Yall likely have been through something hard together and come out closer.
Intimacy here is natural. It’s not forced or performative. It’s built on showing up, again and again. Intimacy that is built on: safety, consistency, and curiosity. No agenda. There just here. These relationships are rare, but they’re gold.
According to research, we tend to have 4-5 close friends. Anthropologist Robin Dunbar suggests that we can maintain approximately five close friendships at a time, mainly due to cognitive and emotional constraints. These require maintenance, forsure. story for another day.
Outside Friends — “I’ll see you there” crew
These are your work friends, gym friends, the people you hang out with but don’t necessarily open up to. We like them. They’re fun. We share meals, ideas, laughs — but not our whole inner world.
According to research we hit our cognitive limit of 150 social relationships that we can meaningfully sustain, called "Dunbar's Number." Yup sounds insane but possible.
Yet for these outside friends, we probably don’t text them when we’re spiraling. And if you did, it might feel a little off. That’s not their role. And that’s okay. They are the friends who see slices of your life, but not the whole cake. They might know about your last breakup, but not how it cracked open your mother wound.
They serve an important role, it gives you connection without the emotional load. The intimacy is lighter. They remind you of your lightness, the fun parts of you that exist sans trauma drama. But this isn’t the crew to process your existential dread at 2am. They haven’t built the scaffolding of trust yet and that’s okay.
Intimacy here is more curated. Existing in mostly shared context. More shared laughter than shared tears. It’s real, but it’s filtered. Being built on: shared interests, mutual fun, and respectful boundaries. They’re the ones who might grow deeper with over time… or not.
I’m all for oversharing, but it might place pressure on someone else to receive all those emotions and make sense of it. Rule of thumb, I just ask if they are open and have the energy to receive a rant.
Strangers — wild cards
These are people you don’t know well yet, or at all. They might be curious about you. They might feel familiar. But without time, consistency, and follow-through, it’s not intimacy. It’s just potential.
You can still experience intimacy with strangers. Ever have a heart-spill convo with someone in line at a cafe? Beautiful! Met many of my inside friends in this way. But this intimacy is fleeting because it has no roots yet. Unless nurtured and followed up to know more.
Lesson to self, you don’t owe depth to everyone and not everyone who asks how are you? Is prepared for the real answer.
This level is where discernment lives. You don’t owe anyone your soul just because they ask how are you? Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is keep it surface-level.
They could be a mirror, a moment, or your next soul friend. But until trust is built, you’re tuning into micro-signals: Do they feel safe? Regulated? Emotionally intelligent? Are they interested in connection or collecting?
The intimacy here is built on: presence, gut feelings, and energy reading. Intuition is big here to sniff out fakers, intent laden with arousal, and any other energy vampires.
Trust is not assumed, it’s sensed. Gut sound or feeling. Voice from afar. Neck tingle. Lump in the throat. If this is felt. Flee. In my experience, angling my body away from someone is a good body language to end an unwanted conversation.
How to Set Boundaries?
So with this in mind, how to keep someone at arm’s length.
Boundaries aren’t just about keeping people out. They’re about protecting the version of you that’s ready to connect. Sometimes that means keeping someone at arm’s length, because you’re not available for anything deeper. That’s self-respect not rejection. Other times, the boundary sits at chest height, guarding your heart because trust hasn’t been built yet or you’re simply not in a place to open emotionally. At hip height, it’s about making sure there’s no confusion around physical or sexual energy. A clear line that says not here, not now. When the boundary lowers to ankle level, you’re still rooted, but more exposed. Your heart’s open. Energy is present. Open and available for real connection. Not everyone deserves that level of access, and boundaries help you stay honest about who does.
Boundaries help define what kind of access someone gets:
Arm’s length – Stay out of my personal bubble. Distant. Polite. Low intimacy.
How to set this boundary: shift hips or shoulders slightly away.Chest height – Heart is guarded. Emotional boundaries are up. Not available for deeper connection right now.
How to set this boundary: subtly cross arms your chest. speak from facts, not feelings.Hip height – Nothing sexual. Clear physical or energetic boundaries. No room for misinterpretation.
How to set this boundary: maintain personal space, step back if someone gets too close. use clear and direct language.Ankle level – Still firmly rooted but clearly exposed. Heart is open. Vulnerable but not fragile. Choosing to stay present with intention.
How to set this boundary: soften your posture, make warm eye contact, stay rooted in your breath. share how you feel in real time, but stay aware of how the other person responds. if you sense safety, lean in. if not, pull back.
Intimate Friends
I don’t mean the kind of intimacy that just eludes to sex. Intimacy is not mutually exclusive with sex. It’s additive but separate. For example you can connect with a friend over dinner and share vulnerable, honest parts of ourselves. Then go home after. Feeling whole-heartedly fulfilled with the connection. Not wanting anything more. Thats the kind of intimacy I’m talking about.
Intimacy is attention without agenda.
Intimacy to me is… presence. It’s someone ability to be fully present with me, not to fix, solve or get something. But just to see each other. It’s a deep curiosity. Not just about each other’s story, but how we’re evolving. Who are you today? What do you need right now? When intimacy is there, we can ask the real questions. We can be clear and honest with each other. It’s vulnerable and personal. No performance. No checklist. Just the willingness to meet each other, moment by moment.
The most sustainable form of intimacy is built over time. None of that hot/cold. Lust filled. Feigning fake intimacy. As a intimacy wh*re. This is unhealthy.
Anyway dekhenge, we will see what lessons come next week.
Cheers, Alex