What's the difference between love, lust, and being in love?

Is there a difference between lust, in love and love

Is there a difference between sex friends and friends?

Is there a difference between fucking and making love?

Is there a difference between love and being in love?

Familial love

Let’s start with an easy one, family. You can’t choose your family, therefore this flavor of love is not out of choice. You don’t have to like them but love them because they are family. I’ll do anything for them, full stop. When it's love, it doesn’t feel transactional because it’s family. I want to see them happy, and their joy matters to me. It’s about loving unconditionally because we have shared stories, genetics, and trauma.

I will always love my sisters and my parents, no matter how judgmental they can be. In times of struggle, you know that they will be supportive. Creating plans for the holidays and hashing out our shared past. To me, this is long-term love. The kind of love that I aspire to feel with a partner.

shared history + genetics + commitment — chemistry = love

Friends

With friends, there are different depths of friendship. Casual friends are fun for specific reasons. Casual friends are like going out friends, friends from work, and friends for a specific activity or sport. They are friends for a specific activity that have the chance for something deeper. Casual friendships are like gentle breezes that come and go, bringing fleeting moments of warmth and companionship. shared experiences, they often lack the depth and intimacy found in deeper connections.

As friends spend more time together and have more shared stories, strong friendships are formed. Like sturdy oak trees, deeply rooted and unyielding in their support. These bonds are developed through shared joys and sorrows, laughter, and tears, creating a profound sense of belonging and understanding. Deep friends are the ones who see beyond the surface and delve into the depths of our souls, knowing us in ways that others cannot. They provide a safe haven where vulnerability is embraced and authenticity thrives. These bonds are built on a foundation of trust, honesty, and mutual respect, where judgment finds no place. They hold our secrets close, offer unwavering support, and are a companion through life’s turns.

Being friends is a solid foundation for any deep relationship.

intimacy + interest + companionship = love

Primal F*cking

For the most part, it’s emotionless and casual sex. You are just two fleshy objects selfishly using each other’s bodies for self-gratification. I use you, and you use me—something mutually enjoyable when intentionally agreed upon. An experience that is fun, passionate, and lustful.

I’ve done the emotionless one-night stands where it’s just fulfilling a primal need to get off. My protocol is usually talking prior about what we both like to find out where our interests overlap. I demand to see their dick and tell them I like to cum in 3s. If we align, then we meet-up in person to see if we have chemistry. If not then I say good night, gotta go to bed. If we do have sexual chemistry and tension then we fuck all night.

Then either I leave or kick them out early the next morning. But I never make plans the next day just to hang out. I don’t need to know about your day, nor do I care. That seems like the easiest sex friend—only for one activity no expectations of anything more. Its just sex with an emotional guard up to protect from unknown energies.

chemistry + passion - interest in future = lust

Sex friends

Friends with benefits are playful fuck buddies who routinely or randomly see each other. A flirty attraction and physical chemistry that feels effortless when good. Bound by a few hours in the bedroom, parties, and surface-level intimacy. Sex with casual friends seems safe when it stays as just primal fucking. It’s an outer flavor of intimacy not the gooey center. A shared hobby that lacks romance. Sex friends sit in the blurry middle between friends and primal fucking. The first question is did you start as friends or did you start with fucking?

I once interviewed this nudist who retreats at conventions and hotels to be naked and free. After a retreat, he came back to his local Starbucks, and ran into a fellow nudist and he didn’t recognize them with clothes on. If that is confusing, I know I’ll find it extremely hard to un-hear their sex sounds, share moments of fleeting intimacy, and just go back to being sex friends. Once I see them in that way whether I liked what I saw or I didn't, I can’t unsee their true essence.

After many shared moments, can one be completely devoid of intimacy with such an intimate act and potentially exposed vulnerability? Can you still remain just friends who fuck occasionally? Is it possible to put emotions in a box and say we will not feel anything? Sex with friends has a higher possibility of opening up to... more.

It’s all fine until someone catches feelings. When the desire to see each other outside of the bedroom, is when friendship and romance enter the chat. Then expectations change, do I want to see this person outside of our shared context? If the feelings are mutual, great. If the feeling is not mutually reciprocated then the friendship calls for a time-out. For my friends with benefits in the past, they caught feelings, and it scared me so I retreated. Unfortunately, the only way to cool the situation, resulting in bruised egos and hearts. It seems a lot like playing with fire.

Begs the question of what am I getting out of this relationship with this person. What am I seeking? Adventure, pleasure, validation or am I genuinely interested in fostering deep and meaningful relationships?

Maybe I’m thinking in black-and-white, but I feel like it’s easier to exist in full intimacy or full primal fucking. The blurry mess in my concrete thinking is that every person in my life needs to be categorized so I know what to expect. The active practice is to accept the mess where the black and white specs make grey so it becomes increasingly harder to separate and sweep the black specs from the white specs. It’s been a practice to live in the present and not overthink about how those don’t fit neatly in their respective boxes. Practicing fluidity is an area for growth for me.

passion + chemistry + friendship = cluster fuck

Love affairs

I love a fun love affair on a holiday. An adventure that invites a whole new freedom. I can be intimate. i can be mysterious. i can be freaky. I can be whoever I want to be. Gives me the freedom to be any side of myself because there is an expiration date which makes it thrilling that we’ll never see each other again, so I dive head first into the present. Which is great for me because I struggle with leaving intimacy out of the act—feels unfulfilling and hollow. So I have to be conscious about sharing my emotions and be clear about the shelf life.

I had an adventurous love affair once where we swam out to an island in the middle of the ocean, fucked in the ocean, and felt truly alive. We shared our stories and our struggles, within the comfort of someone who I was still learning aboutt. But we didn’t share how we felt for each other, but we both knew the impact we had on each other was profound and memorable for a lifetime. Those shared moments of intimacy were the most healing for me. He taught me a key lesson on my growth journey—one that he learned the hard way. To heal from our trauma drama, we must accept our story as it is. The first step to that process is awareness. Full acceptance is slow and happens every day through meditation, affirmations, and healthy habits. There are no shortcut ayahuasca trips to healing—those modalities are just to become aware of what needs to be healed.

All that being said, there was a sadness that came because of the intensity in a short time. Feels like a fever dream. Walking away can be tough but ultimately that is what was agreed upon. There was no future being planned just living in the moment.

intimacy + romance - no interest in future = in love

Making love

A beautiful chemistry full of shared passion and sensuality—where you care more about their pleasure than your own. Hungry to please them and feel them, and witness their ecstasy with love and admiration. Making love invites a bonding at the soul level. I’ve read that if you look into someone’s left eye you are looking into their soul. Savoring slow passion and juicy eye contact. Making love feels like a heavy warm heart that radiates out of my body.

Lowering your guard and letting go of inhibitions takes time, trust, and emotional maturity. How far can we travel into ourselves and each other with the courage to be unafraid to break open into a melty, gooey vulnerable mess. Shy by one’s exposed emotional wounds, fears, and vulnerability. To then discover a safe space to feel everything that comes up. It’s the brave openness to dive into the dark unknown feelings together. That to me is deep in-2-me-I-see. Making love makes me feel seen, accepted, and connected to my partner. Shared feelings of being in love which can be powerfully healing.

Yet these powerful feelings are fleeting love, could be a mirage. It's biology. Hormones while ovulating like oxytocin and dopamine create the perfect powerful cocktail for deep desire. As an affectionate person, I have made love with people I wasn't in love with. Usually as moments of pause to reset or just because I craved feeling my own sensuality, which unfortunately invited a lot more attention than I wanted. They felt connected, then they felt like I went cold trying to distance myself. Which made clear of assumed expectations. Still clumsily learning my lesson.

In my experience, I’ve only had one partner where I felt primal fucking and making love co-exist. Having adventure and sensuality with my partner seems like the perfect balance to sustain being in love. I’d like to be proven wrong, but statistically the honeymoon ends after 1-4 years of being together. When all sex becomes infrequent and making love becomes a chore. Passionate desire wanes, which doesn’t mean that the love isn’t there it just evolves into something beyond sex. It’s intimate in the day-to-day like washing their hair, a full body massage, or making chai for them.

passion + romance + intimacy - interest in future = in love

Friends to Lovers

So friends without the benefits is simple. There is a solid foundational friendship. Once sex and intimacy are invited, there will be deeper emotional attachment. Once intimate, can one revert back to just friends? If that person is a true friend, slowing down the lines of communication to not lead them on is even harder.

I asked my straight friend, do friends make out and still be just friends? Not all friends you want to make out with. Not all friends have a connection and a desire to touch and explore each other’s bodies. You can say you love your friends but rarely indulge yourself to feel the deep intimacy and connection that comes with being more.

Maybe a peck, and it wouldn’t mean anything. Just a casual greeting. Living in a world as two bi girls can be a bit confusing. I’ve found that the queer community does this best. Friends of friends become lovers and then friends again. I was told that awkwardness is still there, they just handle it amicably and head-on. Not avoiding the situation—my usual strategy.

Living with my best friend in India for a few months, has us settling back into hand-holding, wandering touch, massaging each other, kissing cheeks, making chai just for her, soothing her when she’s had a tough day, and eating together. Seems like something friends can do, so what’s different?

Still lingering memories from times past being lovers. We have such chemistry, comfort, and intimacy. So clear others notice. When a massage starts to spark intimately,. A taste of a finger here or a nibble on the ear here—we ourselves question if we are just friends. I like the feelings that come up when I think about kissing her and doing more. They excite me. Yet they frighten me. All the what-ifs come up. What if I lose her? What if I am forced to choose between her and somebody else? What if we don’t like it? What if I hurt her?

I’m not quite convinced one can be friends, have casual sex, and return to the prior friendship. The relationship will changes for the better or worse. In the chance of worse, awkwardness and expectations change. In the chance of better lots more intimacy and pleasure.

I’m at a point where our friendship matters more to me, having her in my life matters more to me. Knowing that I want to still be friends when we are 100, bringing deeper intimacy into the dynamic has the chance to shape our friendship. Being friends+more has the chance to bring more love, affection, care, admiration, and intimacy.

choice + shared history + romance + chemistry + interest in future = love

Soul Family

The way I see it being in love is a feeling. A feeling that is fleeting like being hungry or horny. Once the feeling is gone what’s left? Feelings of heaviness—left with tolerating resentment and compromising oneself for the other as a sacrifice. A self-inflicted causality. Or a feeling of lightness or brightness that is long-lasting sustainable love, the emotion.

Love to me is a lived-in emotion. Enough time spent to experience their annoying habits and still accept and miss them. It’s depth, vulnerability, and intimacy. Inviting more depth creates stronger bonds and sustainable love. I may tend to idealize my close friends and put them on a pedestal but I choose to admire and accept them despite their flaws. I love them unconditionally. I chose them because they make me feel lighter. My soul family is a small group of carefully selected people. I want to live in a world where I can express my love to my close friends in whichever way it beckons to be expressed.

My best friend and I are soul family level deep. To me, love is a long-lasting sustainable emotion. Love is stable. Honest no bullshit loyalty. I love her and consider her a part of my chosen family. We will be in each other’s life forever.

The math to define love, lust, in love is hard.

Lust + Lust = Lust

In Love x Lust = In Love

Love + Lust = Lover

Love + Tolerance = Love

I love, so I am a lover.